Depression:
The cure for everything.
If I
could be depressed all the time, I would be.
It is the answer to all life’s problems.
For example, you have a huge paper to write for your shitty English composition
class, and you don’t want to do it because your teacher is a corporation-hating
hippy and you don’t want to have to deal with that shit.
Suddenly, the phone rings! It’s your dad. Your mom just died in a freak condom/fire
cracker accident. Your dad is crying…
but you say, “shit Dad, I’d love to talk to you in person, but I got a paper
due in the morning.” You don’t actually
have to say that, but I would because I’d hate talking to my dad being a little
pussy like that. Anyway… you email your professor
and tell him what happened and tell him that you are so distraught that you can’t
write your paper. He’ll no doubt tell
you that it’s alright and then give you like two extra months to get the paper
in.
And there you go: 1 month and 29 more
nights of playing video games (you’ll need the last night to think up another
excuse). And that’s just one
example. There are plenty of other ways
to benefit from being depressed:
Too fat? Well, when your boyfriend tells you it’s over
because he just “can’t be with obese woman anymore,” you’ll be sure to get rid
of that problem pretty quickly. I’m
pretty sure that’s how Al Roker lost all his weight.
Oh, Al
Roker. You’ll always be a fat ass to me.
Too thin? Yeah, that’s
right. I’m talking to YOU, Paris
Hilton. I know you’re reading this. Stop
being such an annoying whore. I swear to
God that I’ll disfigure you beyond recognition – It wouldn’t even take that
much work. God, I hate Paris Hilton so much!
Please die already.
Alright,
I’ve already deviated from the topic way too much. So, I’m going to say I’m done with this
article, and I’m going to post it even though it sucks - just to annoy you. Yeah, that’s right. I don’t like you. Go away.
Comments? jeremiah@yourapathy.net
© 2004-2006 by Jeremiah
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